Delusion

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I am pretty much rational about everything. Idealism for me is something to hold on to, it sets forth a vision but that’s it, because most of the time, it just comes in day dreams. I live by the day. And no matter how deep reality bites, I accept things as they are. I don’t resist from whatever situation I am in, I make peace with my days and circumstances. And then I move forward. I don’t dwell on something I can’t fix.

Then I met him..

From then on, each component of my entire being has issues. My mind got a bit twisted, my heart holds on to that (almost non-existent) grasp of hope, my body longs for him.

Him – far, complicated, inconsistent, anxious

I always ask myself how could I cling to a very few memories we had. Why did I fall?

Why did I meet him? A perfect stranger.

I have made an entire illusion out of few beautiful days. Something not possible at all. Something I wouldn’t want even, maybe. A complete DELUSION!

Happy Valentines Day!

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You beside me..

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My mind says..

Stay in touch but keep the distance.

Be there as a friend.. just a friend.

Let yourself be distracted by everything and everyone else but him.

Hold everything back in.

Not worth it.

There’s just too many goodbyes.

And at one point or another, somewhere in the hands of time,

There will be the last goodbye…

My heart says..

His scent, his smile, his touch, his kiss.

His strong accent, his distinct voice, his presence.

Missing these. Missing him.

Kiss him, hug him tight, feel him.

Take a lot of pictures with him.

Snuggle and cuddle.

Squeeze him.

Make love.

Make more memories.

Embrace this chance.

Stay.

 

 

That weekend..

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BBQ and Capirinha,
the snickering laughs,
the soft touches,
my smiles in your eyes..

Cranked up music,
loud and being surrounded
cluttered all around
guarded by your arms.

You held me, I stayed..
My head tilted to yours,
got a whiff of your neck
down to its streaks.

Candy kisses and smooches,
The warm hugs and tenderness of your embrace
Two lovely nights,
All about you.

My head on your shoulder, by the pool
Swung in cadence, with your favorite song
in the hammock we squeezed in..
Siesta, the sun and you.

That weekend.

Shaking

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I watch my world falls apart in front of me

I sorely hear my pulses

my head feels like blown up

while my face gets numb

tears flood in

heart is pounding hard

it hurts

My voice cracks as I struggle to speak

But what I want is to scream

How.. if I could hardly breathe

Because I actually just stand here

With straight face

Til my hands start shaking

Then my knees to my legs

Then my core to my pounding chest

But feet get stiffed

Throat tightens

Passage draws in

No air

My soul has left

But I know I’m still alive

Because I am shaking.